So today I am trying desperately to stay afloat.  Not working is definitely a weight on our family.  Although I wasn't making a ton of money I was still filling in the gaps.  Now there is nothing to fill in the gap.  I hate struggling.  I feel like I have put us in a hole that is going to be really hard to get out of.  Of course it is then another thing that makes my mind toss and turn in a way that is not helpful.  There is nothing like the feeling of being out of control.  Not knowing if you are coming or going.  Today I was driving and I had no idea where I was going.  I literally was just driving.  It doesn't even occur to me that I am not going where I am suppose to go until I notice something out of place.  I see a landmark that seems off to me and that is what makes me realize that I am not going the right way.
i have to talk about last night.  I was hearing strange noises all night.  I was sure something was trying to get into my room.  It was the strangest sound.  I am not even sure I can describe it.  First I decided it was a bat trying to get in, then maybe a bunch of wasps, then I thought what if someone is breaking in.  I went downstairs and made sure the alarm was on.  I actually slept with the light on for quite sometime.  The noise I was sure I heard is actually what woke me up this morning at 6am.  I hear these noises often, I decided that I just have very sensitive hearing and can hear things others can not.  That is crazy I know, but it is true.

I decided to write again.  Sometimes I wonder if it is good to post all of my feelings.  I used to write in a journal.  I did that for years.  I just feel so alone and I think it would be good for me to write these things down.  

I am trying really hard to get through this, this feeling of despair and frustration.  It comes and goes often.  Unfortunately more often than not.  I haven't worked for a few months now and to be honest I don't think it would be a good idea to go back if I wanted to.  Everyday seems hard.  It is a struggle to be okay.  A few weeks ago I felt so wonderful I was besides myself.  clearly that feeling is gone.  

This illness sucks!  I want to feel normal I want to cope with the small challenges that life holds.  I feel like there was a time that I could do that.  In fact I know there was.  

in the beginning

June 2013

I decided that I wanted to start writing in this blog again.  I am not sure why.  maybe so i can type better?  no I think i want to have a way to chronicle the things that I am going through and feeling.  i was looking for the book an unquiet mind and I could not find my copy, I wanted something to help me feel better about the struggles I have.  I want to know that I can get through this and be successful. I want to know that I can be bi-polar and still be able to help other people.  I am not really ready to write at the moment I just had to get started with something so I knew I could do it.  I should be writing this, you know like pen and paper.  That is way i have done it before.  I think I would get caught that way.  I cant let anyone know what I am really thinking or feeling that is the secret that is mine.